The Fear

i am scared.
some days i am so scared that i feel i must smell of it,
smell of that cloying decay, of those near misses and dead things that cling to your neck.

it coils around my veins and seeps through my skin, taints the air i'm breathing in.
it pours out through my eyes.
it is the beast asleep in my belly that sucks and drains and snatches away.

i am changed.
when it wakes its jaws are wide enough to swallow me whole,
down the hatch in one go.
body snatched and it'll be ages before they know.

this clutching dread, it steals me away from myself.
kind words fall on deaf ears and the light that was close is no longer that near.
it whispers to me, "They won't find you here in a million years."

i am lost.
even when i'm sitting so close i can feel the heat from your skin
nothing has ever felt further away.

it pins me down and wraps around,
it talks through my mouth and all i can do is watch and pray.

i am hopeful
that i will be wrenched from this pit.
that when you smile i will believe you, because i know you mean it.

now you know.